YOU GUYS CAN HAVE THE BLOG BACK NOW.

WHAT ARE THE CHANCES...



I remember a long time ago, Afe posted a picture from a party commenting on how ugly his friends looked in this one certain picture. In the picture everyone was dancing but it looked more like they were in the throes of a seizure and there was a girl with long blond hair making the ugliest face I've ever seen dancing with another guy who was just as ugly. Well this morning, I found myself browsing You Tube (surprising, I know) and I came across this video called The Ugly People Show. A little more than halfway through the video I see the same exact picture that Afe posted on his blog!! Wtf?

My question is this: Who pirated whom? Afe please inspect this video, and would you kindly clarify this conundrum for me? I'm not sure I can go on with my day without an answer. Thank you in advance.

A NEW EXQUISITE CORPSE!

I did the bottom section. Click to enlarge. And please leave comments telling me how much you like it, or how much you don't like it, or leave me a comment telling me what you are wearing today, or perhaps what it is you had for breakfast... I really want to know! REALLY!

I had a whole grain toast and some spearmint tea with a half a spoon of sugar! I know... that's a totally fabulous breakfast. I am very wise.

EVERYTHING IS NOT GOING TO BE ALRIGHT!

A Christmas present for Koala. This is a music video I made for the song You Were Right by Built to Spill. I used an old Superman cartoon and some creative editing to get the story how I wanted it. Don't worry Koala... no need to give me anything in return. I already know you love me.

Another Video From Somebody I Used To Know


**special thanks to Mike

CLICK CLICK CLICK IT REAL HARD AND LOOK CLOSELY AT THIS NIGHTMARE:
You know boys and girls, sometimes I say to myself, I say "Mariam", you know because that's my name and all... I say "Mariam, what is the purpose of all this?"

But Mariam never answers me back because she's a total bitch.

I love you. May your day have purpose.

AFE TEACHES US ALL A VALUABLE LESSON:

And of course it has to snow like crazy on my birthday... like always. Beh! All this was not here last night. And it's still coming down!

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY SOOOOOOON! (And until further notice, the blog is mine.)
This is a picture of me over Thanksgiving holiday. I had several hundred pounds of turkey and pecan pie in my belly and I am very very drunk. Friday night I will also look just as drunk as in the picture above, except I will have a lot more presents all around me and I will also have a crown on my head... because Friday is my birthday!!

Just giving you a heads up so that you can start thinking about what fabulous gift you are going to give to me. Please don't thank me, it's the least I can do. And also, just so you know, I will not be turning 31 this year. I decided this year I will turn 29 again. Not because I'm afraid of getting older are anything, but just because I enjoy being unconventional. If everything works out according to my plan, I will die precisely 12 months after my first birthday.

In other news: for the final project in my 3-D Design Studio class we are building two cars; one is made only out of found objects, and the other is primarily made of aluminum foil, chicken wire, and plastic plumbing pipes. This may seem like an easy feat to you, oh sure, but there is more to it than that. We had to pick car models made between 1965-1979 and reproduce them in three-quarter scale using only the above-mentioned materials, trying to make them look as close as possible to the originals. We chose a Mercedes and a Fiat. I think you can tell which is which. We have to finish in two weeks. Cool huh?! The headlights that are on top of the hood go inside the holes. Doors open upward.
This is the front of the Fiat which we are paper macheing the body of. Chris' ass crack kept showing so we dropped pennies down his pants. *notice the suicide doors
The Fiat is small but we are really pimping it out down to the last details: gas pedal, gear shift, seats... we happened to "find" upholstery don't you know. I'll show you pictures when we're done.

Ahem....


Is it wrong to love titties as much as I do?

Michael Richards!!!! Racist tirade!


an the apology

A VIDEO I MADE FOR THE SONG I'D HURT A FLY BY BUILT TO SPILL

wow two posts in one day! I'm amazing. Be sure to read my essay in the following post and then choke and die.

EAT MY ESSAY AND CHOKE!

So sorry folks. I forgot to assasinate Matthew last week! So little time for murder these days. So instead I will murder you all at once, in one fell swoop, by posting a boring essay I wrote comparing and contrasting Donatello's sculpture of David vs Michelangelo's sculpture of David.

A comparison between the David of Donatello and the David of Michelangelo is not simply a comparison between two sculptures, it is also a comparison between two artists’ and two eras’ view of the ideal of male beauty. There is an aesthetic dynamic between the two statues in that Michelangelo's David (1504) is widely viewed as a response to Donatello's (1440) earlier sculpture of David. From this perspective, my paper will explain through a comparison of these two works, that the physical aesthetics of both sculptures can be understood in terms of the cultural context that produced them. I will also compare the two sculptures’ significance and their respective visions of male beauty with reference to the specific talents and experiences of the men who created them.
Donato di Niccolo di Betti Bardi, the man known to history as Donatello, lived in Florence from about 1386 to 1466. Michelangelo Buonarroti (1475-1564) was his famous successor. Both of their lives and careers touched many of the key figures of the Italian Renaissance such as the well known patron family di Medici (Rea, 1). There are many points of comparison between the two artists which directly impact upon an appreciation of their respective interpretations of the Biblical David. Perhaps the two most significant is that they were both homosexual, and both Florentines.
What strikes me most about Donatello's David is his beautiful representation of the human form. In this sculpture made of bronze, David is depicted as a young boy and has an enigmatic smile upon his face. He is posed with one hand on his hip and a foot on Goliath's severed head as if he had just got finished killing the giant. David is standing naked, apart from a hat and boots, and he holds the sword of Goliath.
Modern eyes (such as my own), who are used to seeing many different versions of nudity and male beauty, may not think Donatello's rendering of David is particularly unusual. However, if we view the work in the context of the early Renaissance - in a Europe just emerging from the religious culture of the Middle Ages - Donatello's depiction of David is revolutionary. In the words of one critic:
Gone is any medieval residue of sin or shame as associated with the human form. It stands before the viewer independent of any justification except itself and unabashedly nude. David's soft, pubescent flesh seems all the more exposed and set off by his boots and hat.
(Cole & Gealt, 98)
It is easy to see that Donatello had a wonderful appreciation of the beauty of the male form. He sometimes was the object of criticism for being too enamoured with his apprentices and models. Some critics perceive this to have had a direct impact upon the sculptor's work, arguing that homosexual "love is certainly one of the ingredients of the enigmatic bronze David and its sensual interpretation of male beauty" (Avery, 4).
Donatello definitely portrays his David with a certain level of sensuality in his pose. This sensuality presents differences in the interpretation of Donatello's work. As critics have observed, "the lithe sensual beauty of the statue, and its expression of soft contemplation are all at variance with the Old Testament story of David the shepherd boy and Goliath his gigantic foe" (Avery, 90). This bronze however, wasn't made to be a religious representation of the heroic figure. It was made to represent more than that. It was the first life-size sculpture meant to be seen in the round in Western Europe since antiquity, and was made as a celebration of male beauty, secular culture and civic virtue all rolled into one form.
David was originally placed in the courtyard and garden of the Medici palace in Florence. At that time, Florence publicly celebrated the virtues of republican government and had a particular love of the image of the Biblical David because it was associated with a struggle against tyranny. The fact that the Medici - Florence's unofficial ruling family - placed David on a pedestal in their courtyard is also seen to have political significance. The way that David confidently gazes outwards at the viewer with his sword in hand and Goliaths head at his feet, "might easily have been perceived as warnings to those who would threaten the Medici" (Bennett & Wilkins, 84-5).
There exist many striking similarities and differences between Donatello's work and the David of Michelangelo. Like the earlier sculpture, Michelangelo's David was commissioned with a particular site and purpose in mind. Michelangelo's David was to be placed in the Palazzo Vecchio in Florence, at the heart of Florentine civic life. It was made to convey the fact that, in Vasari's words: "As David defended his people and governed with justice, so should this city be defended with courage and governed with justice" (Hartt, 106; Coughlan, 93).
Perhaps the most obvious points of comparison with the earlier work are that this is a marble statue, as opposed to a bronze, and - at fourteen feet high - its scale emphasizes heroic qualities to a degree beyond that of Donatello's work (Cole & Gealt, 143). Like Donatello, Michelangelo was a homosexual and aesthetically “preoccupied” with the representation of male beauty. Recent sources note his "strange, violent and mystical passions for beautiful young men", and some critics argue that (like Donatello) these emotions directly influenced his artistic depiction of masculine beauty (Coughlan, 172).
However, it is interesting that Michelangelo, although equally appreciative of male beauty as Donatello, has expressed the elements of this beauty in a completely different way. Instead of the slender and boyish proportions of Donatello's David Michelangelo's is of an older male who has been portrayed as more of a hero. The proportions are not perfect and may suggest a youth who has yet to grow into adult form. Michelangelo's statue also possesses a muscular build that is entirely absent in Donatello's work (Hartt, 113). Michelangelo envisioned his David as being proudly, almost arrogantly, independent and universal (Seymour, 40).
In Michelangelo's sculpture, David is entirely nude with no hints of clothing whatsoever. This fact reduces the impact of the figure's nakedness, unlike the way the hat and boots in Donatello's David seem to actually bring light to the fact that figure has nothing else on. Michelangelo's David mimics the ideal physical beauty of classical Greek sculptors. There is no sign of Goliath anywhere in Michelangelo’s work; there is no sign of a weapon, there is nothing to indicate that there had been a battle in the figure's relaxed pose, or at his feet as in Donatello's bronze. The way that Michelangelo has eliminated any direct external references to the Biblical story may demonstrate how the sculptor envisions his work with respect to that of Donatello's earlier work:
As always, Michelangelo carefully avoided depicting a passing moment, and concentrated on the timeless and the universal. . . the powerful muscles, without an ounce of surplus tissue, denote a boy of the people rather than the soft and pampered child shown by earlier sculptors.
(Hartt, 113)
Although the classical influences are obvious, Michelangelo departs from the ancient vision of male beauty in many key respects. Both the proportions of David's body parts (his hands being outsized with comparison to his feet), and his facial features are far from the classical ideal (Hartt, 113-14). It is unclear as to the significance of Michelangelo's deviations from the classical norms in this regard. It is said that Michelangelo gave the statue of the hero human flaws to render him more accessible to viewers (Hartt, 114).
However, in one key area, Michelangelo's David is identical to that of Donatello's: it significance lies not in any Biblical reference but in the ideal of male beauty:
David . . . has only the most tenuous connection with the individual it purports to represent, or indeed with any individual. Instead, it is a portrait of an Ideal for which the Biblical David was simply a convenient symbol. This David was not Hebraic but Greek, not scriptural but Platonic . . . .
(Coughlan, 91)
As we have seen, both Donatello and Michelangelo, in their respective Davids, celebrated the human form, and male beauty, in a manner that was revolutionary for their times. While one is soft and sensuous, the other is hard-bodied and powerful. Existing both as symbols of Florence, and as embodiments of their artists' particular visions of masculine beauty, these works together have defined the artistic image of male beauty for later centuries.


Bibliography

Avery, Charles. Donatello: An Introduction. New York: HarperCollins, 1994.

Bennett, Bonnie and David Wilkins. Donatello.
Oxford: Phaidon, 1984.

Cole, Bruce and Adelheid Gealt. Art of the Western World.
New York: Summit, 1989.

Coughlan, Robert. The World of Michelangelo: 1475-1564.
New York: Time-Life, 1966.

Hartt, Frederick. Michelangelo: The Complete Sculpture.
New York: Harry Abrams, 1974.

Rea, Hope. Donatello. London: George Bell, 1904.

Seymour, Charles. Michelangelo's David: A Search for Identity.
New York: W.W. Norton, 1967.

DIE, DIE, DIE!

I know what I want for Christmas.

FOOL!
One comtributor has made her intentions to usurp SoulFukt public. This shall not stand.

Yeah... I did it again. I erased my other blog (as if any of you really care). I intend on taking back SOULFUKT after I systematically kill the rest of you off one by one and after I finish a couple of research papers, of which I will post here because some of you are morons who need an education.

Have a nice day :-)

Now, where's that link I posted on someone's blog a few minutes ago? It led to a picture of a Mandarin that would be PERFECT for my next post.

Soon I'll post a picture of a Mandarin!

Last night I was brushing my teeth and my electric toothbrush started making a whrrr-girgley sound every now and then apart from its normal whirrriness. I was scared and ran into my bedroom and hid under the doona and waited for my wife to get home.

I think the toothbrush might be POSSESSED. By the ghost of an angry convict. Who wants REVENGE. We get a lot of that here in Austraayylia.

Yeah.

The best caption wins a pair of my panties or a full year of my unconditional love. Your choice.

The best caption wins a genuine pair of Soulfukt fluffy white socks!

This guy is a real HE-Man.

Cameron Diaz filed a police report claiming that a Paparazzi tried to run her and Justin Timberlake over with his car. I'm thinking of filing a police report requesting that Justin Timberlake be dragged into the street and beaten with reeds.

I like that picture of Justin, he's all like, "Don't hold me back baby, I'm gonna mess this dude up. Mess him up with my abs!"

If this photo turns me on a teeny tiny little bit is there something wrong with me?

These kids reckon you suck. Why? Because you promised them ice cream and didn't deliver. Instead, you tried to make them eat broccoli flavoured soy ice cream. You are a terrible parent. Ten points to anyone who can figure out what the hell the kid in the middle is trying to say. Something to do with a hermit crab?

Well, it looks like TomKat has given birth to a beautiful Chinese baby. I don't know how that happened. The public's ever increasing fear that the baby was in fact a deformed 20-foot tall monster has been quelled at last. However, I want to point out that Suri's lower half is not revealed in the above photo leaving the possibility that the baby ends midsection and is replaced with the long slimy body of a snake.

Completely random image uploaded from my harddrive.

Breaking news: Satellite technology courtesy of Google Earth has allowed the gentle staff at Soulfukt to capture the first known pictures of our patriarch Koala Mentala:

For real, dawg! Nice buns!

This blog entry is ONLY intended for the editorial staff of SOULFUKT. If you are someone else and reading this, you have to PROMISE me to stab your own eyes out. Deal?

SOULFUKTers: Go to SUPERBLOG!! and follow instructions. Failure to comply may result in loss of life.

p.s. Sexy tongue.

I just did this AWESOME painting with a 2B pencil after snorting cocaine with Tony Danza. It represents the penis. Tony said he thought the texture was a little pedestrian, but I disagree. I told him to shut up, and he was like all "Hey man, shut your pie hole, I'm serious about this." Then I stuck him in the eye with my AIDS infected needle. Who's the boss now, huh, bitch?

POETRY EVEN MEN CAN APPRECIATE:

...and no Afe, this is not more profanity. This is poetry!! I thought this blog could use a bit of a women's touch :-)

Druids were an ancient Celtic people who settled in Western Europe. They had a deep reverance for nature and their major holidays took place around the changing of seasons. Many of these exist today, albeit in a different form (Groundhog's Day, Easter, and Halloween.)

Their history was passed down by word of mouth so very little written text remains. If anything their history is told by other peoples who observed them. The most notable history written by Ceasar in his book Commentarii de Bello Gallico.

After the Roman conquest, the Druids were all but destroyed. Stonehenge is often associated with Druidic practices but evidence suggests that the mysterious rock formation was in existance long before the Druids even found their way to Britannia.

But could Druidism be en vogue yet again?

If this dress worn by Lindsay Lohan is any indication, then the answer is a resounding yes! I for one welcome Druish fashion into modern times, especially if it means getting a shot at those delicious 20 year-old mammaries.
I have a feeling that if Druids were this hot, I would have gone to a Druid Boarding school instead of getting my knuckles rapped by Sister Mary McClanahan. The only thing better would be if Druids were way into jumping up and down spontaneously. You know what I'm saying, right? Jiggla-jiggla-jiggla!

references: Wikipedia

Splashnewsonline.blogspot.com

No post titles? This blog sucks.

Kisses and Hugs muthaphukkerz!

Fat. Where does it come from, and what do we do with it? We are all born with fat cells, they appear during the third trimester as we're all snug in our mother's warm womb.

One interesting thing to note is that we are stuck with the same number of fat cells through our entire life! We don't get new ones, the cells we have merely get bigger and bigger! It is during puberty when the fat cells (either white or brown) are distributed throughout our bodes. For men, the fast stays mainly in the stomach "beer belly" area, while women keep their fat in their breasts, hips, waists, and buttocks along with the area commonly referred to as the "gunt."

Knowing what we know about fat, what the hell are those assflaps on Paris Hilton?


I think that they are just the barely visible buttcheeks swinging about as she shashays across the dance floor. But what does this mean for the state of her ass? Since she is so skinny perhaps her fat is exposing itself in bizarre and frightful ways. Her fat must be more liquid and soft as opposed to the tougher spongelike texture afforded to other poorer human beings.

references: http://www.howstuffworks.com
http://www.defamer.com
Oh No, They Didn't

Somebody complained that we were running this blog into the ground, so I thought I'd try to get Soulfukt back to what it should be: A FORUM FOR AMAZING ART.

Here's my depiction of what it feels like to be caught in a snowstorm with only a blacksmith's hammer and a bag of peanuts for survival. I think you'll agree, it has many levels, none of which can be understood by anyone.

Do you have AIDS? Did you know that SOULFUKT!! cures many diseases, including AIDS?

Originally, AIDS was spelt with two exclamation marks, like this - AIDS!! - but eventually those politically correct bastards changed it to be less offensive. The same people that cancelled ALF. I will kill those people, eventually, with a rusty saw.

If you would like to be cured of AIDS!!, please send a cheque for twenty dollars to:

SOULFUKT!!
PO Box 666
Hell, California 90210

More and more scientific studies are showing that drinking in moderation can have many benefits. These include lowering the risk of heart attack and creating a longer lifespan. This can be very good news to those who want to live forever, and with a mild buzz! But what is moderate drinking? Depending on your weight it can be 2-3 drinks for a man and 1-2 drinks for a woman.

How much is a drink? Generally one shot, or one 12 oz. beer, or one glass of wine. Not a Long Island Ice Tea, Kamikaze, or Boilermaker.

One scientific quandry is how many of these delicious libations did Mel Gibson drink last Thursday?

Scientists are still working on what alocholic equation causes a man to spontaneosly blurt out Anti-Semitic epithets and call a female officer "sugar tits." Was it merely GERMAN beer that caused this? Or IRISH whiskey? Or merely the fact that Mel Gibson is a bit of a deuchebag? Who is to say. But hopefully this is one mystery that SCIENCE will decipher. ( And hopefully in time for Gibson's new movie Apocalypto!)

I think the question on everyone's dry, cracked lips is: "Where is Goo?"

Here are a few options:

A) She was killed by a crazed ex-lover (Either Koala or Matthew)
B) She was sucked into the drain after a bath
C) She became so engrossed in a work of art that she 'became' the painting, Twilight Zone style
D) While grinding coffee, accidentally ground her own face off
E) Was trampled to death by miniature horses
E) Committed double suicide with pet hamster in the bath

Vote for your favourite mode of death now!!

(P.S. The above is an artist's rendition of what Goo's zombie may look like. If you see this girl, remember that severe head injuries are the only way to kill a zombie.)

This blog entry is dedicated to God!

Since Goo has left the building, I think it best that we carry on with her work. And if I know Goo, and I do (if you know what I mean), I know her main passion in life was SCIENCE. Yes, Science, that new Satanist religion that is threatening to destroy our children with it's facts, charts, and multi-colored graphs displaying who knows what.

So today, I would like to talk about the Potato Bug.



The Potato Bug is a nasty little critter also known as the Jerusalem Cricket and the "bald headed man." They live in the Western United States as well as parts of Mexico. So you know what THAT means.

On a personal note, this bug reminds me of comedienne, Mo'nique. Both are very curvy, they have big round heads, and share a love of potatoes. Also, neither is allowed on United Airlines flights.


So, if you see a Potato Bug remember that they are not agressive, but they will bite the holy hell out of you if you mess with them. Fair Warning.

This blog entry is dedicated to Goo!