Monday, July 31, 2006

Do you have AIDS? Did you know that SOULFUKT!! cures many diseases, including AIDS?

Originally, AIDS was spelt with two exclamation marks, like this - AIDS!! - but eventually those politically correct bastards changed it to be less offensive. The same people that cancelled ALF. I will kill those people, eventually, with a rusty saw.

If you would like to be cured of AIDS!!, please send a cheque for twenty dollars to:

PO Box 666
Hell, California 90210
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More and more scientific studies are showing that drinking in moderation can have many benefits. These include lowering the risk of heart attack and creating a longer lifespan. This can be very good news to those who want to live forever, and with a mild buzz! But what is moderate drinking? Depending on your weight it can be 2-3 drinks for a man and 1-2 drinks for a woman.

How much is a drink? Generally one shot, or one 12 oz. beer, or one glass of wine. Not a Long Island Ice Tea, Kamikaze, or Boilermaker.

One scientific quandry is how many of these delicious libations did Mel Gibson drink last Thursday?

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Scientists are still working on what alocholic equation causes a man to spontaneosly blurt out Anti-Semitic epithets and call a female officer "sugar tits." Was it merely GERMAN beer that caused this? Or IRISH whiskey? Or merely the fact that Mel Gibson is a bit of a deuchebag? Who is to say. But hopefully this is one mystery that SCIENCE will decipher. ( And hopefully in time for Gibson's new movie Apocalypto!)

Thursday, July 27, 2006

I think the question on everyone's dry, cracked lips is: "Where is Goo?"

Here are a few options:

A) She was killed by a crazed ex-lover (Either Koala or Matthew)
B) She was sucked into the drain after a bath
C) She became so engrossed in a work of art that she 'became' the painting, Twilight Zone style
D) While grinding coffee, accidentally ground her own face off
E) Was trampled to death by miniature horses
E) Committed double suicide with pet hamster in the bath

Vote for your favourite mode of death now!!

(P.S. The above is an artist's rendition of what Goo's zombie may look like. If you see this girl, remember that severe head injuries are the only way to kill a zombie.)

This blog entry is dedicated to God!

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Since Goo has left the building, I think it best that we carry on with her work. And if I know Goo, and I do (if you know what I mean), I know her main passion in life was SCIENCE. Yes, Science, that new Satanist religion that is threatening to destroy our children with it's facts, charts, and multi-colored graphs displaying who knows what.

So today, I would like to talk about the Potato Bug.

The Potato Bug is a nasty little critter also known as the Jerusalem Cricket and the "bald headed man." They live in the Western United States as well as parts of Mexico. So you know what THAT means.

On a personal note, this bug reminds me of comedienne, Mo'nique. Both are very curvy, they have big round heads, and share a love of potatoes. Also, neither is allowed on United Airlines flights.

So, if you see a Potato Bug remember that they are not agressive, but they will bite the holy hell out of you if you mess with them. Fair Warning.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

This blog entry is dedicated to Goo!